It’s been a year since I step into the village, talk and play with the “forever-smiley” kids. I’ve seen them from photographs sent by friends over in Cambodia but nothing compares to hugging and running around with them. And… nothing beats having a mud war with them at the river.

When the bus makes its way from the bustling streets of Phnom Penh to the rural mudtracks of the village, my heart beats faster with anticipation and my palms get sweaty. This might sound a little ridiculous, I know, because I do not even expect myself to feel this way before the trip. It was a rejoicing moment when the kids spotted us (they didn’t know we are coming). Hugs, laughters and tears were exchanged.

One year has gone by and most children remain the same as they were as I last remembered. Still as mischievous, lazy and energetic. Some changed a lot, becoming more studious, mature and well-groomed. The most remarkable transformation I seen was this young boy. He was loud, and as playful as a monkey, pulling tricks on the people around him. This time, he is very well-mannered and thoughtful. Less pranks and talks slower, so much so I almost could not recognize him at first. The few of us were wondering what causes the change in him and wanted to ask but we did not.

For the village, there are also some significant changes. The roads/mudtracks are less bumpy. Some houses become larger and better equipped. I heard that in order to build a better shelter, some children would have to forgo their full time studies and study part-time. I guess they made these changes to fulfill their essential and immediate needs.

This trip has created new friendship and bonded existing friendship. The memories I have with them, I will deeply treasure them in my heart.

The smiles they wear on their faces are so different from what I see back here where I lived. It’s not the kind of smile you see from a colleague from another department along the corridor nor is it the kind of smile you get from a distant relative at a family gathering. They are smiles that warm your heart, smiles that brighten your days and smiles that you want to see again and again.

I can’t help it but ask myself why? Why do they smile the way they smile despite the conditions they are in? They do not have proper flushing system, potable tap water, air-conditioners and the list can just goes on.

My first thought was that the children are just ignorant about all these stuffs. But I realized I was wrong soon enough. They knew, from television, from other people like us who visited them. On top of poorer living conditions, some of the children lost one of the parents or sibling(s) at a tender age, do not have enough money to go to school, and/or have to help their parents out in the farm or work. I would never say they live a comfortable life without worries. So what put those smiles on their faces?

Then I went on and guess that maybe they are contented with their present life styles. But after talking to some of them, I realized this is not entirely true. They do seek for a better life. They have dreams. Dreams of becoming someone big, dreams of having a larger house, dreams of moving to other parts of the world. They have the desire of breaking out their poverty cycle. So what put those smiles on their faces?

Through my 2 weeks of interaction with the kids, the answer begins to dawn on me. It’s a sense of Pride. The best word I could think of to describe them is “Warriors”. The beautiful smile stems from a courageous, determined and noble heart. Even though some of them know that it is highly impossible for them to move out of the poverty cycle, they still dare to dream and hold themselves up with high esteem, respect and confidence.

My greatest lesson from my “children-teachers” is that to smile or laugh often and much and whenever possible. Smile and laugh right from the heart. Do this favor for yourself. Think of the positive happenings that are so often around you, think of yourself as a courageous and determined person and just smile from the heart. It will magically brighten your day and lift up your spirits. You might just find that you are more ready than before to face the challenges ahead.

In building rapport, we seek to demonstrate to other parties that we hearing them and understand where they are coming from. By doing this, we first have to respect the fact that the Map is not the Territory. (Read Alvin’s post on Your Map is in my Territory.)

Assumptions can cause us to make premature judgments and sometimes wrong judgments. So in striving to build rapport with others, we must uncover what lies in your Map, and reveal the hidden assumptions you made about yourself, others and the world in general.

You can ask yourself a few questions.
1) What do you believe in which others do not?
2) What do you assume that others are thinking so that they did what they did?
3) What do you assume that others are thinking so that they will do what they are going to do?
4) What are the things in your daily life you took as a matter of fact?
5) If ‘this’ is false, it means that…
6) How do you know these events are going to happen?
7) Why do you think of (your assumption) in such a manner? (this helps to uncover the assumptions beneath the assumption ;P) (Special thanks to Louise for coming up with this)

In communication, when you are aware of the assumptions, it allows you to listen closer to what others have to express as well as allow you to be more empathetic and see things from the other party’s perception. This naturally helps you in gaining rapport.

As a volunteer, it is just as natural for me to want to provide the children with everything that I can. Very soon, I realised it is not just plain simple giving.

I began to feel that I should not be giving them everything but rather things that they really want and need. That’s when I realised the importance of listening to their dialogues and discover the needs and wants.

Too many a times, I realised we just presumed what others need, forgetting that these are just assumptions in our Model of the World. It also dawned on me that giving too much can cause dissatisfaction because the other party feels misunderstood and that he/she do not deserved as much. My principle of giving is that it has to improve the quality of life of the recipient. Giving is no longer an act of generosity or kindness if it belittles the recipient.

Listening and observing is an art to be practised and giving just what are required at the appropriate times is definitely better than giving too much.

1) We fake the emotions that are required at the moment and we can do this by displaying behaviors that are correspondent with these emotions. Such behaviors include verbal and no verbal cues like regulation of our tonality and body language.

To appear happy
A: It’s a bright sunny day. (Broad smile, high pitch)

To appear sad
B: It’s a gloomy day. (Head hung low, soft voice)

We are displaying emotions outwardly that are vastly different from how we are feeling internally.

2) We produce the desired emotions in ourselves through various ways like remembering past experiences and repeating mantras, then feel them before displaying them outwardly (though the past experiences may be in any way related).
Over here, you deliberately choose to feel the desired emotions.

3) You naturally feel the emotions and you display them as they are. A genuine expression.

We used all the above three ways to show our emotions but we use them to various extent in different context because there is no one best way to display our emotions. Emotional labour is just a process, it is not the outcome. We have to perform emotional labour in our day to day life when we fulfill our work duties, when we want to show empathy and console someone, when we do not want to reveal our troubles to our loved ones and the list can just go on and on.

To make it clearer, emotional labour does not constitute emotional exhaustion. It is the inability to release or cope with the stress that stems from emotional labour that then results in one feeling emotionally exhausted.

Emotional labour, a process, can bring us the desired outcomes which might be able to offset the stress accumulated.

For instance, a waitress though has some family problems, still put on a smile and serves her customers warmly. At the end of the day, her customers praised her for her excellent service and even give her a generous tip. She might feel that the emotional labour is worth it.

In short, if performing the emotional labour fulfils our needs and/ or is consistent with our values and identities, it is less likely that emotional labour will lead to emotional exhaustion.

1) Threshold blow-out
What I mean by threshold blow-out is to exaggerate your pattern to the extent that it becomes ridiculous. You will know you have done it when you find yourself laughing at what you are doing, behaving like an idiot or when someone comes up to you and ask “What are you doing?!” (For those who knows NLP, yes, this is a pattern interrupt)

Let’s take Alvin’s case as an example:

Go buy lots of Vanilla Coke and place them at your workplace, bedroom and basically at every places you can see them. Buy not just a dozen cans but by the cartons! Maybe stack up a few cartons as footrest under your computer desk. Yes! This is what I mean by ridiculous! I bet now Vanilla Coke kicks in as a motivator to work instead.

I used this quite often in my coaching and it has broken many limiting patterns with much success.

2) Practise what you are going to do instead
Part of re-conditioning is to practise. Practise in your mind what you want to happen instead when a ‘Precursors of Failure’ pattern occurs. You can use simple visualizations or even the Swish pattern for those who know. Another way is to get your friend to practise with you what you say you will do instead (that’s why I say share)

Of course, the above 2 strategies may not resolve every single ‘Precursors of Failure’ pattern. So go ahead and leave a comment on what has worked for you and what has not or even share some of your successful strategies. I’m eager to learn too. What else is possible?