We may ask; “Did you hear me?” to which they quickly respond with; “Huh? Yeah…” Parents sometimes experience this when they are correcting their teenager. The teenager rolls the eyes or looks everywhere else except for in the eyes of their parent. All too often this happens. Not only has it happened to us, but we have also done it to others.

Who Are You Really Listening To?

We have all been there where someone is pouring their heart out to us and we are genuinely listening, but then something pops into our mind (out of nowhere it seems!) and we begin to dwell on it. We start carrying on a conversation in our head concerning a situation or circumstance going on in our life, forgetting about the conversation we were having with the person across from us. This can all happen in a matter of minutes. This leaves the other person feeling like they are not important and are a burden to us.

I believe we all desire to be genuine listeners and to resist the temptation of carrying on a conversation in our head while talking with someone. The simple fact is there will always be something we can dwell on in our mind while others are talking to us.

If we acknowledge this first, we will prepare for its arrival and can deal with it appropriately. It is similar to a nation receiving intel on how and where an enemy is going to attack. Once they have the information they can be prepared for the enemy. In our case the enemy is the very thoughts of our mind.

How to Give Your Undivided Attention

First off, whether we say it aloud to the individual or simply to ourselves, we must acknowledge the person being very important to us and so therefore we are all ears before them. They are so important they have our full undivided attention. Attention is divided when we are so called listening to them while we are really listening to our head.

Full undivided attention is when we are giving both our ears to the person and listening to every word. If we can establish that people are important and we really do care about what they are saying, we will listen better. This is not to say things will still not creep up in our mind, but that brings us to the next step.

We can be all ears for the person we are talking with and still things will pop up in our minds. Sometimes this is triggered by something the person said. Sometimes it is just a worthless thought. No matter what type of thought it is I have to shut it down because I am presently in a conversation with somebody else thinking about what they are saying. I can come back to myself later on. We have the ability to take every single thought captive and that’s what we must do.

Are the Lights On But Nobody’s Home?

Okay, how do we do that? When you find yourself drifting into a conversation in your head, bring it to a halt. In other words stop thinking about it and go back to thinking about what the person is saying. We daydream when we have been dwelling on the thought too long.

The ‘lights are on, but nobody is home’ phenomenon sets in because we have given too much time to the thought which crept in our mind. Stop the thought. While yes, it is true that God has created our brain to have the awesome ability of thinking on many things at one time, we can only focus on one thing at a time. We can only focus on one thought at a time. If we allow ourselves to dwell on the thought in our mind rather than the conversation at hand, we will be focused on the thought. We have to stop the thought.

Try this exercise. Take a moment and think about where you would like to go on your next vacation. What would you like to do? How much fun would you have? Okay, so you got the dream vacation? Now, what do you have to accomplish at work or home tomorrow? What did you notice took place when you went from thinking about your dream vacation to work or home? What happened in your mind?

Did you switch gears from vacation to work? You were so focused on creating that dream vacation and then you easily began focusing on work or home. This exercise is what we must practice when having conversations with people. It will help us to stay focused on what the individual is saying.

Listening for Real

The next thing we must do is be a genuine listener. The conversation in our head is a big obstacle to good and quick listening, but if we do not genuinely listen we are no better off. Genuine listening not only involves cutting off the thoughts in our mind and focusing on the person. It involves not interrupting them while they are talking.

All too often we jump in with our own experiences and thoughts about what the person is going through or dealing with in the attempt to help them. This is not genuine listening. Genuine listening involves allowing the person to get off their chest what troubles or concerns them without interruption.

Many times people are simply looking for someone to listen to them not offer advice or solutions. We are not genuine listening when we are looking for the place where we can interrupt the conversation with our advice and our solution to help the person out.

This may be a form of listening, but we are really listening for something we can relate to, have experienced, or have knowledge of in order to tell the person what they should or should not do. This is not genuine listening. Genuine listening is staying within the boundaries of thinking and focusing only on what the person is saying. There are no preconceived ideas or interruptions.

True Listening is a Gift

It is easy to go off into la la land and it is easy to interrupt with advice and solutions. It takes practice, practice, more practice, and good effort to be a genuine listener. A genuine listener truly cares about the individual talking to them. Remember, be quick to listen and slow to speak. The gift of listening is one of the best presents we can give to our spouse, children, friend, relative, co-worker, employee, etc.

Tune in to what the other person is saying.

Now, I realize that is exactly what they wanted to accomplish in this commercial for whatever reason. However, the reality is that many people live their real lives this way.

Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh was another one that talked in monotone and was not really excited about life. He made statements like, “When someone says, ‘How do you do, just say that you didn’t'” or “There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt”, and even “And how are you?” said Winnie-the-Pooh. Eeyore shook his head from side to side. “Not very how,” he said. “I don’t seem to felt at all how for a long time.” Eeyore could usually find something in anything to be disgruntled about.

Photo by blhphotography.

How Excited are You About Your Life?

What about you? How excited are you about life, career, marriage, relationships, finances, economy, religion, etc? We can hear so much negativity from the news and radio stations that we get sucked up into it thinking our life and life itself is just plain old negative. It is amazing to me how human nature magnifies the negative so much.

Something terrible happens in the United States and we have to broadcast it on every station for a whole week. We remember the mistakes, failures, and shortcomings of our spouse more than their strengths and victories. We say stuff like, “Man, it would be great if I got that promotion, but I probably wont”. We count ourselves out without even trying.

We must be careful. Lacking in vision is not a good place to be at. What would be the purpose for living if you have no vision? People who have no vision can be angry and grumpy people. They are just mad at the world. Many people who did not have vision commit suicide.

Do this exercise after you read it. Close your eyes tightly and answer this question. How awful would it be if you did not have your eyesight any longer? Go ahead and do it now. It is one thing to be born blind, but quite another thing to have your eyesight a good portion of your life and suddenly lose it totally. Some people would lose hope and could not live on any longer. Others would take on the challenge, learn this new way of life, and continue living.

The same is true with vision for our life. Yes, there are many things that are negative around the world, but there are also positive things. The key is not to lose hope and continue having vision.

Photo by Fr Antunes.

How to Become Excited about Life Again

How do I do that? It starts with you becoming excited about life again. What is your vision for your life? In other words, what would you like to see happen in your career or business, your marriage and children, finances, your relationship with God, friendships, your attitude, behavior, and lifestyle?

Write that vision down. Write down exactly what you want to accomplish. Write down your goals for every area of your life you desire to work on. Do not speak in general terms about your goals; you must be specific. You can first write them down in general terms, but you must rewrite them afterwards in specific terms.

In other words, having a better marriage or attitude is the general goal. Now, be more specific about what a better marriage or attitude looks like. How do you define your marriage being better? How do you define your attitude being better? What exactly do you need to do in order to achieve better? For more on how to set specific goals you can read my article Concrete Resolutions.

After you write the vision down you have to get it into your heart. Don’t just write it down, place it in a folder, and put it away. Keep it before you all the time. Place it in different visible places so you can see it over and over. Some good places might be the refrigerator door, bathroom mirror, office, computer monitor, etc. You will get in down in your heart and become excited about it when you are constantly seeing and visualizing it. Visualize how good life will be once you accomplish that goal and fulfill that dream. Only those who have vision can really visualize.

Lastly, you need to share your vision with anyone and everyone. Share it with family, friends, co-workers, and church members. Some people may discourage you, but others will encourage you in this dream you have for yourself. It is also a form of accountability when you share your vision with others. They will ask how far along are you or how is it going?

Another thing, on this road of accomplishing your goals people will come along side you who can help. They may help you with simple words of affirmation and encouragement. They may help with resources, instruction, and training. People cannot help if they do not know what you need help with. The fact of the matter is we all need help. It was never designed by God for us to do things by ourselves with no help from anyone. We need each other to fulfill the goals, dreams, and vision we have for our lives.

Live Life in Vivid Color

Monotone is boring and lacks excitement. Get your bullhorn out and begin to broadcast your vision. Don’t allow anything or anyone to stop you. Aside from transferring the vision from your head to your heart; you have it written down so you can go back to it when life hits you with temporary setbacks or when people share discouraging words. Continue in the excitement and let the vision for your life be your motivation as well as people and life saying you cannot do it.

Photo by jurvetson.

I believe this act of wanting to please others affects all of us in some way. However, it affects many in a great way. Have you ever auditioned for a part in a play? Did you ever try out for the football or volleyball team at school? We endeavored to play the part well so the director would be pleased with our performance and give us the part. We worked so hard to please the coach in hopes that we might have a spot on the team.

When we were teenagers we were pressured by our friends to do certain things we knew were not right. Since we wanted to keep our friends we would do those things to please them. We view American Idol to watch as young people audition before the judges and the nation to try to become the next American Idol. We step into our adult years where we have a career and we perform for the boss, so he/she will be pleased with us.

Life itself can feel like just one big audition. We step on stage of life where all the lights are blaring in our face. The audience sits back to watch our performance. Suddenly, we begin to perform for them. Who are you performing and auditioning for? Who can tell you to jump and you jump and keep jumping until they tell you to stop? Who are you trying to please to the extent that whatever they tell you to do or change you hop right to it?

Life is Not an Audition.

Life should not be an audition. We are not trying out all the time. What happened to a person having their own identity? Why are we working so hard to become like everyone else when we are a unique individual personality? If you are moderately or constantly changing something in your life because someone said you should, then you are basically not in control of the decisions you make. You are allowing others to make decisions for you because of your strong desire to be pleasing, approved, accepted, and praised in their sight.

Sure, there are people we should look up to and glean from. There are people who should influence our life and give us advice. It is not so much others that are the problem as it is you desiring them to be pleased with your performance.

I will give you an example. A woman goes to the mall to shop for a dress for a special occasion. She spends a few hours going from store to store and trying on dress after dress and finally she finds one she likes. She likes the color, style, and it fits great on her. Well, when she gets home and models it for her friends she finds they are not as favorable of the dress as she is.

What would you do? Do you return the dress based on their comments or do you keep it because you really like it? If you really want to please your friends, you would return the dress back to the store. However, if you are your own person, unique and different, you would rip the price tag off and wear the dress for the special occasion.

You are Already in the Play

You have to ask yourself “what do you want to accomplish in your life?” and not “what do others want you to accomplish?”. Change something in your life because you believe it’s the right thing to do for you and not for anyone and everyone else.

How comfortable are you with your weight? How comfortable are you with your career? How comfortable are you with your life right now? Change your life because you want to change it and not because you would be pleasing others if you did. True friends will love you for who you are and not because you are not pleasing them. Living your life for others is nothing but a life full of frustration. It is a constant struggle. The balance would be to allow people to have input and influence in your life without controlling your every move.

When I am trying hard to please others, they control my every move. You be in control of your life. You are not auditioning for a part in the play called “Life”. You are in the play.

Real Joy by Todd Baker < < technowannabe.

There is another form of being tagged that can really have an impact on a person’s life and many times they don’t even know it. We all get tagged with words, some good and some not so good. Words can have a profound impact on someone’s life. Profound, because words mold and shape us into the very thing spoken about or to us and can last a lifetime.

Have you ever heard statements like these before?

‘You’ll never amount to anything.’

‘You are a nobody.’

‘You can’t do anything right.’

‘You are so stupid.’

‘You were an accident.’

‘Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?’

‘You’re just no good.’

‘You are never going to succeed in life.’

‘You can’t accomplish that.’

Have these judgments or others like these ever been spoken over you? How have they shaped your life? What limitations do you place on yourself because of statements like these? What will you do about judgments family, friends, co-workers, and others have made?

In the game of tag you can avoid being tagged by running faster than the person chasing you to tag you. Grafitti can be removed from walls by being painted over. Not too long ago it was discovered that tattoos can be removed with laser treatment. Words, statements, and judgments can also be removed from a person’s life.

It is not a matter of if we will be tagged with words, but when we will be tagged. The next time someone tags you what are you going to do about it? How are you going to combat the negative statement verbalized to you? Well, you can get into a fist fight with the person or tell them off, but those are probably not good solutions. However, you can correct the individual by telling them their statement is not true. Yet, the issue is not so much about the person who spoke as it is about the one hearing it. What will you do with it when you hear it?

If there is some truth to the statement, use it as motivation rather than getting discouraged by it. We have all done some stupid things, but that does not make us stupid. We have all failed in certain ways, but that does not mean we are a failure. Don’t allow words to saturate and penetrate you. You cannot control what people say about or to you, but you can control what kind of impact it has on you.

There are so many people marked up with negative and abusive words just like the person who has tattoos all over their body. You do not have to allow these types of words to place their mark on you and define you. You have the power to cause them to have little to no impact on your life rather than a huge impact on your life. Next time there is negative talk directed at you, reverse it and make it positive. You can also refuse it by telling yourself ‘that is not who I am’.

Lastly, you can meditate or think on other things. Don’t dwell on what is wrong, negative, or bad in your life. Instead, reflect on those things which are good, positive, pure, just, true, right, honorable, and commendable. A word spoken can only have as much impact in your life as you allow. Bring the wrong statement to a halt after you have heard it and think on something else. You have then caused the negative speech to die. It is when we dwell on the negative things long enough that we begin to believe them. The same is true if we consider and reflect on positive things. You are what you think.

It could be something as easy as your attitude or it could be something tougher like a deep rooted pain or hurt you experienced years ago, but never dealt with. If it is a deep rooted issue that troubles you today, allow me to suggest that you pick up the phone and call a counselor who can help you get passed that.

Maybe you are not dealing with a deep rooted issue. What is it then that is not benefiting your life? Could it be drugs, alcohol, or gambling? Could it be hatred, anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness? I encourage you to be honest with yourself right now and examine your life. You know exactly what is and what is not benefiting your life. You do not need someone to tell you.

How is that particular thing robbing from you? What affect does it have on your spouse, family, friends, and co-workers? How is it distancing others from you? How is it affecting your life? What kind of momentary benefit does it bring to you and is it worth the price you pay? Be honest with yourself; forget everyone else and just examine yourself.

The good thing is, it doesn’t matter whether it is an addiction, an attitude, or a certain way of living; we can change it. It may require we get outside assistance. It may simply be something we recognize that is affecting us negatively and applying the positive opposite would change it for the better. One thing is very clear, it will take work. It will take work in the sense of practicing the new behavior or lifestyle change. Think of how long you have been doing that particular thing that has not brought benefit to your life; it is ingrained in you to do it that way.

You must practice a new habit everyday for at least 30 days and probably longer before it becomes a regular part of your day to day life. It must become a habit and it takes time and effort to build a habit.

First things first, pinpoint exactly what is taking away or not benefiting you. Next, place a new habit in place of this old habit. Thirdly, practice this new habit every chance you get.

Now, there will be times you will revert back to your old ways; it is not the end of the world. Whatever you do, do not make excuses for it or try to justify it. Simply see how you arrived there, so you can see what exactly triggered you reverting back to your old way.

It may be a friend that you can no longer associate yourself with or it may be a place you can no longer go to. It may be people that trigger a certain attitude. If that is the case, you have got to change your attitude and not necessarily the people. In other words, if you find yourself getting easily angered or frustrated with people or circumstances, then you need to acknowledge that is something you do and change it. You change it by first acknowledging it as something you do not desire to do any longer. Then, when the time comes that you feel it coming on, suppress it and exchange it for a better attitude. Know what kind of attitude you want to exchange it for in advance or else this will not work.

Again, the bottom line is that it will take work in order to bring the necessary changes we desire to our lives. We must practice the new way of living, new attitude, new outlook, and new way of conducting ourselves. It will take some time, but it will be well worth it. Think about it, you can remain like you are or you can make life better for yourself and those around you. You can remain like you are and keep allowing that particular thing to keep taking away from you or you can change it. The change is worth it if it brings benefit and enjoyment of life to you and others around you.

Let’s not give up; we all have weaknesses that we need to tend to and work on. We can all better ourselves and in bettering ourselves, we make it easier for others we come in contact with and we can even make this world a better place.

If you would like more information on hiring a life coach to help you set and achieve goals, make life changes, overcome procrastination and obstacles, find your life purpose, get out of a rut and move forward, etc; visit www.morphcoaching.com

Josh Perez is a PCCCA Certified Professional Life Coach.