Interesting points! And here I was thinking over the weekend how overly feminine a lot of modern personal development is – how they value the feminine values like sensitivity, consideration and communication more than the masculine qualities.

It’s clear we’re both seeing different ends of the spectrum here.

If you have a chance, check out Anthony Robbins’ latest work in his Robbins Madanes relationship DVDs. It’s interesting how much he’s using the masculine/feminine principles to great success in his work now when its not mentioned in his earlier work.

I like David Deida a lot, his tantric approach has much to recommend it. Dear Lover is his female version of The Way of the Superior Man, and its much more oriented toward female priorities, even in the way it’s written, which is conversational, as a letter, as opposed to the more masculine “user manual”.

It’s worth pointing out those two differences, because the current life-coaching discourse of empowerment, self-mastery and personal vision is also an heavily masculine perspective. Certainly, both men and women can benefit a great deal from this perspective, but let’s not kid ourselves — it’s bad at creating intimate relationships, which have to happen between two people, not within a single person. Most women in this situation have already tried to make changes to themselves, hoping that it will influence their partner to be more forthcoming.

To me, this example is an interesting example of how the toolbox of most life coaches is partial. It works great when applied to masculine priorities, but more is required to meet the feminine priorities of connection, communication and intimacy.

Steven Covey in his “7 habits” says just the same in his first habit. “Be proactive”, you have control only over yourself. So without assuming that Pat should divorce, it still holds true that she has control over herself, not over her husband.
By the way, covey has similar scenario discussed where his advise is “Love is not a noun, it is a verb”, you have to work on it.

Second book I was reminded of was Richard Bach’s “The Bridge Across Forever”. The book is based on real life experience of his search for the “perfect” soul mate. In the book he does find his perfect soul mate. What happens after the book is for the curious to find out (Google is your friend)

I don’t want to draw any conclusion, but personally I would go with Covey’s advise. Not sure how well it works.

I don’t think that Shelley is saying Pat should change husbands. She’s saying that Shelley realizes that for things to change, she’s going to have to be the one who changes first – since she’s the only one she truly has any power over.

To add on to her view, I believe that we never have any true power over anyone except ourselves. With others, even with our most intimate partners, we have at best influence, but never direct control. So it makes sense that Shelley would want Pat to focus on herself first – and see which part of her behavior was contributing to the problem and change it.

It’s interesting how a post about getting the most out of life has delved into a discussion on relationships!

asl4u, I’m disturbed by your beliefs about how there aren’t that many fish in the sea. This is not a belief that serves you.

JR, those sound like interesting reads, thanks for the suggestions. I wonder if you’ve read David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man, and if you have, what you thought of it.

Many men literally don’t understand what you are talking about when you use the words “connection”, “sharing feelings”, “opening up”. Their fathers never did that, their friends don’t do that, and they certainly don’t know how to provide it for their wives. Even when men do understand what is being asked of them, in a boy’s-don’t-cry culture, it’s shameful for them. The sexes inhabit almost entirely different worlds: for the woman, a new world where connection and sharing are seen as her birthright, and for the man, a world where those same things signal humiliation.

So its no surprise that straight-forwardly insisting that your husband give you what you deserve can mean putting your marriage on the line, and even if by some magic you were successful, you’re likely to find yourself with a husband with the emotional sophistication of a 4 year-old boy, because that’s probably the last time he exposed his emotions to anyone. Complicating the situation even more, sometimes wives are complicit in heaping scorn on their husbands for showing vulnerability.

That’s not to say that it can’t be done, it’s just not very easy. Men of younger generations are much more open, so that’s at least evidence that its not simply the natural state of man to behave in this way. By most accounts, conventional marriage counseling has failed to come to grips with the problem, but I recommend the above-mentioned book by Terrence Real, as well as his other book, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” Understanding how your husband became who is today is certainly a vital first step toward creating change.