What happens when a sense of dissonance is ignored? More likely than not, it will result in a life filled with regret and bitterness. You deserve better: you deserve to get the most out of life.
A good friend of mine, Pat, has been married for about twenty-three years. She and her husband have three kids, plenty of money and a beautiful home. There is abundance in their lives in terms of material items.
They hardly talk with the exception of check-ins on the children’s schedules. My friend is a gregarious and curious human being who loves people; she loves to immerse herself in deep discussions about any number of things. She loves to learn and grow.
She is desperate for communication with her husband; for a deeper connection with him. She wants to experience more love and caring but he just doesn’t go there: he doesn’t do “deep” discussions or open up emotionally. He doesn’t seem curious at all about the so-called “deeper” things that fascinate Pat. She feels she hardly knows him. She knows her girlfriends better.
What to do? First, she needs to accept the fact that we have control over only one person in our lives: ourselves. Try as you might, people change only when they decide they need and/or want to change. Have you had relationships that went south? Did you attempt to fix the other person? How did that work out? If you did manage to see significant change in that person, trust me, it was because they made the decision to change. You might have nudged them in the right direction - but unless they were fully committed of their own volition - it wasn’t going to happen.
So back to Pat. If she wants change in her life, if she wants more, it’s up to her and her alone. She needs to get very clear about what she wants in her life. What has real meaning for her; what are her passions; who is she (minus all her roles in life) and who is she becoming?
Whenever we hit a major life challenge or life transition, it is important not to make any fast decisions before we gain clarity. We must start with inner work. It’s important to take stock of yourself. Envision a future that will be fulfilling, that will be in full alignment with what matters the most to you. Forget about whether it seems possible. Work in the arena of, “If it was totally possible, I would…” What would the first steps be to achieving that vision?
Don’t go it alone. If you are serious about change, get support. Do the inner work. Ensure that you get reflective time every day by meditating, taking long walks in nature, doing yoga or just being silent. Whatever clears your mind. A clear mind is the key. You need clarity in order to make choices.
Try to look at the situation without any preconceived notions or judgments. Forget your habitual way of seeing the world. Drop your personal, past-based filter. Let go of emotional turbulence. Once you can look at reality the way it really is versus the way you perceive it through whatever-colored glasses you wear, you will start to see options that never existed before. Soon you will be in touch with your real desires and intentions. In other words, it will come to you. Trust your instincts.
Get in touch with what you value in life and where your passions lie. Connect with them. Consider what you are willing to accept for yourself and what you will say no to. A favorite quote of mine states that, “We are defined by what we say no to.” That says a great deal.
Pat is doing the work it takes to gain true clarity about what she intends for her future. At the same time, she is also making the effort to communicate with her husband in a way that comes not from an emotional state, where everything ends up being highly reactive, but from the place where she is connected to her values. She is working on being what she believes.
One thing is for certain. Pat knows full well that life is short and as such she wants to get the most out of life. As we get older, we see that all too clearly. If we are unhappy, dissatisfied or looking for more in our lives, we need to honor ourselves and not settle for less than what we deserve. In this country’s Declaration of Independence it states that we all are entitled “to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Act on it.
We all deserve a life that we can look back on with a deep sense of satisfaction; to have people in our lives who nurture us; to do work that we love and which gives us a sense of accomplishment. We deserve love in our lives as well as good friends and family. As we age, we come to the realization that our time is limited. The time for change is now.
Just because we deserve these things does not mean we will have them. It remains our responsibility to create a life worth living. It is a wise person who takes the initiative to create meaningful change in their life instead of being someone who whines that life is not giving them what they want. To acquire a life worth living means not settling for less. Not settling for less means taking action.
What will you do now, today, to get what you want? What will you say no to? What will you say yes to? The answers you make in response to these questions will certainly define the rest of your life.
You can live the life that you truly want. You can achieve peak performance in all areas of your life. You can not only survive life’s unexpected changes and transitions but also thrive. Powerful change is possible.
Life Coaching is a proven, powerful, one-on-one professional relationship that can help you to achieve your goals and lead a more fulfilling and happy life. Learn how to create positive change in your life. Shelley Stile is a professional Life Coach having trained with CTI, the Coaches Training Institute. She is also a member of the International Speaker’s Forum as well as an instructor at the Adult School of Montclair, NJ and a workshop leader at the Center for Women in Livingston, New Jersey. She works with individuals in a one-on-one relationship to guide them towards the life they want, especially during times of transition.
Visit www.changecoachshelley.com and take a free customized Life Quiz and sign up for weekly coaching tips. Contact Shelley Stile at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com today for a complimentary sample session of coaching!
October 14th, 2007 at 5:03 am
It seems like you’re saying Pat should get a divorce. Of course, if you start from the assumption that all that matters is what you want, it obvious that if someone makes you unhappy, you should trade them in for a better, newer model. Don’t you deserve that? But what are the odds that you are going to find two people completely absorbed with their own needs, but just by accident, also make each other happy?
That’s kind of a selfish attitude to take. Most people also want to make their spouses happy too, but so far, all we know is what Pat wants. What does her husband want? All we know about him is that he isn’t giving Pat what she deserves.
Pat’s husband shows signs of depression. Male depression is especially hard to deal with in men of older generations who have a very strong sense of shame associated with feelings of vulnerability, but my advice to Pat would be to find some way of approaching that before throwing in the towel, as well as standing up for herself and being assertive about her needs.
October 14th, 2007 at 7:11 am
I agree. The entire article is one based on self-centered-ness. I think if Pat does leave the husband - seeking “what she deserves” - she just may get it…and “it” looks a lot like nothing.
We make choices - one choice she made was to create a lifelong relationship with this one man. He does not sound like the “perfect” one for her right now… but he is there and has been there and he is real and present - and that might be as good as it gets.
When my partner left me - everyone told me how she didn’t deserve someone like me - She used me, she this and she that -
well - it looks like, in the greater scheme of things - I dont deserve anyone - because its been several years - and there has been no one and there is no current prospect.
The fact is - we dont always get what we deserve - and sorry to tell you - there are not an endless number of fish in the sea. (Not an endless number that I would want to spend my life with)
The moral?
learn to be happy alone Pat - cuz if you leave him - when your kids are gone - its a pretty good bet that’s who you’re gonna be sharing the rest of your life with… oh well - and those girlfriends you know so well… in between their time with their husbands.
October 14th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
I don’t think the author is suggesting divorce at all. Pat is working on changing how she relates to her husband. I’m facing much the same situation right now so I would be interested in more details on how one approaches this… how do you make meaningful connections with people who don’t seem too interested in doing so any more? How do you share your emotions with a person who just gets upset? How do I talk about my feelings without ending up feeling guilty and apologizing for how I feel? I just must not be doing it right. How did Pat resolve her situation?
October 14th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Is PAt trying to understand why her husband is not “Curious about the deeper Thing”?
Has Pat identify her value and that of her husband? What is it that she wanted to be and that of her husband? The articles mentioned that “If we are unhappy, dissatisfied or looking for more in our lives, we need to honor ourselves and not settle for less than what we deserve.” Is Pat unhappy apart from her husband not interested in her Deeper things?
Perhaps, she have to really do a value search for her and her husband before making the change.
SK
October 15th, 2007 at 3:44 am
I don’t think Pat should get a divorce, she should rethink her attitude. Actually, it’s hard to believe, that she has been married for about twenty-three years without feeling happy. Did she really ignore that dissonance all these years? It seems to me, that it has become a dissonance only recently. I admit, I can be wrong.
October 15th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Terrence Real in the book “How Can I Get Through To You” points out that one outcome of feminism was that women now demand more emotional responsiveness from their husbands similar to what they expect from their girlfriends, but no corresponding revolution has occurred for men that would teach them how to respond.
Many men literally don’t understand what you are talking about when you use the words “connection”, “sharing feelings”, “opening up”. Their fathers never did that, their friends don’t do that, and they certainly don’t know how to provide it for their wives. Even when men do understand what is being asked of them, in a boy’s-don’t-cry culture, it’s shameful for them. The sexes inhabit almost entirely different worlds: for the woman, a new world where connection and sharing are seen as her birthright, and for the man, a world where those same things signal humiliation.
So its no surprise that straight-forwardly insisting that your husband give you what you deserve can mean putting your marriage on the line, and even if by some magic you were successful, you’re likely to find yourself with a husband with the emotional sophistication of a 4 year-old boy, because that’s probably the last time he exposed his emotions to anyone. Complicating the situation even more, sometimes wives are complicit in heaping scorn on their husbands for showing vulnerability.
That’s not to say that it can’t be done, it’s just not very easy. Men of younger generations are much more open, so that’s at least evidence that its not simply the natural state of man to behave in this way. By most accounts, conventional marriage counseling has failed to come to grips with the problem, but I recommend the above-mentioned book by Terrence Real, as well as his other book, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” Understanding how your husband became who is today is certainly a vital first step toward creating change.
October 15th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Hi guys,
I don’t think that Shelley is saying Pat should change husbands. She’s saying that Shelley realizes that for things to change, she’s going to have to be the one who changes first - since she’s the only one she truly has any power over.
To add on to her view, I believe that we never have any true power over anyone except ourselves. With others, even with our most intimate partners, we have at best influence, but never direct control. So it makes sense that Shelley would want Pat to focus on herself first - and see which part of her behavior was contributing to the problem and change it.
It’s interesting how a post about getting the most out of life has delved into a discussion on relationships!
asl4u, I’m disturbed by your beliefs about how there aren’t that many fish in the sea. This is not a belief that serves you.
JR, those sound like interesting reads, thanks for the suggestions. I wonder if you’ve read David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man, and if you have, what you thought of it.
October 15th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
This scenario and the discussion here, reminds me of two books:
Steven Covey in his “7 habits” says just the same in his first habit. “Be proactive”, you have control only over yourself. So without assuming that Pat should divorce, it still holds true that she has control over herself, not over her husband.
By the way, covey has similar scenario discussed where his advise is “Love is not a noun, it is a verb”, you have to work on it.
Second book I was reminded of was Richard Bach’s “The Bridge Across Forever”. The book is based on real life experience of his search for the “perfect” soul mate. In the book he does find his perfect soul mate. What happens after the book is for the curious to find out (Google is your friend)
I don’t want to draw any conclusion, but personally I would go with Covey’s advise. Not sure how well it works.
October 16th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Alvin,
I like David Deida a lot, his tantric approach has much to recommend it. Dear Lover is his female version of The Way of the Superior Man, and its much more oriented toward female priorities, even in the way it’s written, which is conversational, as a letter, as opposed to the more masculine “user manual”.
It’s worth pointing out those two differences, because the current life-coaching discourse of empowerment, self-mastery and personal vision is also an heavily masculine perspective. Certainly, both men and women can benefit a great deal from this perspective, but let’s not kid ourselves — it’s bad at creating intimate relationships, which have to happen between two people, not within a single person. Most women in this situation have already tried to make changes to themselves, hoping that it will influence their partner to be more forthcoming.
To me, this example is an interesting example of how the toolbox of most life coaches is partial. It works great when applied to masculine priorities, but more is required to meet the feminine priorities of connection, communication and intimacy.
October 16th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
JR,
Interesting points! And here I was thinking over the weekend how overly feminine a lot of modern personal development is - how they value the feminine values like sensitivity, consideration and communication more than the masculine qualities.
It’s clear we’re both seeing different ends of the spectrum here.
If you have a chance, check out Anthony Robbins’ latest work in his Robbins Madanes relationship DVDs. It’s interesting how much he’s using the masculine/feminine principles to great success in his work now when its not mentioned in his earlier work.