If you see a lot of posts about communication at Life Coaches Blog, it’s not because I’m good at it, but because I was a real social nerd (some of my friends will say I’m still one 
).
More than a few people who’ve seen me speak have been surprised, but I’m an introvert by nature and an extrovert by training. I’ve had to pick up these skills to overcome my awkward social skills and that’s why I like to share what I’ve found to work, and what I want to learn more about.
Here’s something I’ve found to help me open up conversations, give people a lift, and raise my self-esteem at the same time.
How To Give A Good Compliment
There’s nothing like a warm, sincere compliment to make your day. Instead of waiting for one, why not give one out? Take it from me, the more you give, the more you find you’ll receive.
1) Make your compliment specific.
“That necklace looks really good on you” makes a bigger impact compared to “you look really good today”. The more specific the better, it makes the person feel like you notice them.
2) Back up your compliment.
Don’t just stop at “that necklace looks really good on you”. Your compliment becomes stronger when you say why you think so; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes”.
3) Ask a question with your compliment.
And if you want to use it as a conversational starter, ask a question about the subject of your compliment; “that necklace looks really good on you because it matches your eyes. Where did you find it?”.
Why Giving Compliments Raises Your Self-Esteem
It takes confidence and self-esteem to notice good things about others and to make the first caring move to tell them about it 
When I first started giving compliments I was awkward and shy about it. I kept wondering if I’d offend them in some way or make people suspicious about what I wanted from them.
I’ve since discovered that a sincere compliment is always a welcome boost to someone’s day. There will be those that reject it or will even argue with you, but that’s usually their problem and not yours. A compliment is like a gift, if someone doesn’t want your gift you’ll still end up owning it. The best way to accept one is also like a gift, just say ‘thank you’.
You’ll also find when you start noticing good things about people, you’ll notice more good things about you too! And the more you do, the more your own self-esteem will grow.
February 13th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
hmm, what is a social nerd, can someone explain?
February 14th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Alvin, you have such an excellent flair at writing because whenever I read it, I just feel good. Now, how did you learn that?
Does that make the grade? haha
February 14th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
helena; a social nerd in my definition, is someone I was; a person who had no clue about becoming social.
Hey Kloudiia, that’s a fantastic compliment, thanks! You more than make the grade hee
February 16th, 2007 at 12:31 am
That’s also a fantastic comment Alvin… heh heh
February 16th, 2007 at 1:16 am
Very good advice. Also, some research done recently shows that it’s good to compliment people (especially children) on things they control (like the effort they made) and bad to compliment on things they don’t control (like how smart they are). More here.
February 16th, 2007 at 1:36 am
This is a neat post, but theres another side to this story. The next post should be called “Girls: How to take a compliment without either making fun of the compliment giver or thinking the compliment give is hitting on you.”
The hardest thing in the world is for an “average guy” to tell another girl she looks nice; for whatever reason. Thats a subset of complimenting in general, but suffers from the same problems. So many girls either turn the example compliment around and, for whatever reason, poke fun that a “straight guy” would make such a compliment. The other half of girls seem to think she’s being hit on, and say a very weary, very uncomfortable “Thaa…anks….” and feel like she’s had her personal space violated.
The truth is, these days most girls (I guess I’m talking about the 18-30 or so range) it’s just downright creepy to be complimented in that fashion unless they’re being hit on or there is some other special circumstance. Anybody else feel this way a little?
February 16th, 2007 at 4:01 am
Not only do I fully agree with what Brad says, but I’d like to add one more caveat to this: Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, compliment people at work, *ESPECIALLY* if you’re a guy trying to compliment a girl. It’ll be seen as sexual harassment, no matter how innocent the compliment, and it’ll get your ass canned in no time flat. Indeed, it doesn’t even have to be the person receiving the compliment to file the complaint, it can be someone who simply overheard what you said as he/she walked by.
Employers are complete and utter cowards when it comes to threats of sexual harassment lawsuits; they’d rather give you the pink slip immediately, regardless of what actually happened, than to try and fight something like that in court. And to try fighting it? Well, it’ll be your word against hers, and using the argument of ‘it was totally innocent’ versus her crying, hours spent with councilors to try and overcome this “abuse”, and her “mental anguish” of being subjected to such, well, you’re simply going to loose. Better safe than sorry; save this compliment stuff for the bar or where ever you’re social, but don’t use it at work.
February 16th, 2007 at 5:50 am
I would also add that you can really take away from the value of complimenting by doing it too much. Your sincerity grows thin quickly if you are handing out compliments just for the sake of doing it.
The same goes with Thank You letters.
February 16th, 2007 at 6:16 am
I agree about the workplace–it’s tricky to give compliments without potentially being creepy.
But in general, men, don’t compliment women’s fashion at work unless you are their close friend and/or follow fashion yourself. I really don’t care what the guy in jeans and a faded polo shirt thinks about my footwear, for example. But when the guy who wears designer jackets gives complements, I appreciate them.
And don’t give compliments when what you are really giving is a comment. “Wow, I’m impressed that a guy can pull off a pink shirt.” No one needs to hear that.
February 16th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Hey Brad and John
I’m a woman here, so I kinda have something to add on to what you guys had said!
I think people who will behave that way usually fall in 2 extremes. Either they are very attractive, or they’re not.
Why so? They are naturally more skeptical towards anything good coming, because for the former, they’ll think you are not being sincere in complimenting and you just want to hit on her and get her no. The latter because, well, obviously they don’t think they deserve that compliment (as they don’t see themselves in that light too) and so will want to turn that around in a bid to save their own skin!
Generally I think that in order for someone to accept compliments, the person giving it has really got to tbe sincere. That’s when Pt 2 comes in handy, cos if you cant’ find a damn good one to back it up, it sounds frivolous. And when it comes across that way, no doubt the person at the receiving end will want to turn the table around.
That’s why, if the compliment doesn’t come from the heart, and it is given for the sake of having to give one, that usually doesn’t work. Not only that, it’ll backfire!
Then, there are just some people on Earth who just simply don’t know how to react when they are praised! These people need someone to knock this little sentence into their head and get it ingrained:
Accept it with grace. Then, say thank you.
They can reciprocate if they like, but be careful of falling into the trap where you only give when you need to, not when you like to!
Cheers guys! Gosh, this is a loonngg one….
February 16th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Wow, so this is what happens when your post gets picked up by Lifehacker
LeisureGuy, that’s a brilliant article, should be required reading for anyone! It’s so obvious it makes sense, but so obvious at the same time you don’t see it.
Brad, there’s really no way to tell how someone else will react to your compliment. If you mean it, why not say it? How they’ll react and how you’ll respond is really up to you.
John, I’m not familiar with the work culture where you come from; but I imagine something as simple as saying ‘nice shoes’ compares to ‘nice breasts’. Why all this fear with giving a simple compliment?
Matt, I agree – don’t be stingy with your compliments but don’t wear them thin either.
Hey Jen, I suppose a classy compliment wouldn’t be creepy then. Granted, it can be a real art…but a simple one too. Gee, that’s tough isn’t it, when you place a price on the compliments you’re willing to receive? I’m not a professional painter but I know beauty when I see it; so why not just take the compliment at face-value?
Hi Kloudiia, thanks for chipping in…three times! Those are good points you make, for women and men both to listen. I wonder what you feel about what Jen said?
February 18th, 2007 at 7:45 am
Fantastic post, Alvin. I really like cultivating an attitude of appreciation like this. One little book I enjoyed around this topic is “How full is your bucket” – even comes with little “drops” for others’ buckets. Gave some to the librarian, bus driver, and letter carrier. Can be printed free!
Good stuff…
February 22nd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I really like this. This is a skill I have used for years, but only sincerely as I believe it will backfire otherwise. Very similar to the work of Dale Carnegie of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Good stuff Alvin
February 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Thanks guys, for all the links and the good words. I don’t have the time to thank each of you, but I’m very happy you found my post of value to you
March 18th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
you are great! you will be my idol!
May 12th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
“Ilike to give compliment”
May 12th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
but the compliment must be honest…
September 6th, 2007 at 1:52 am
Alvin, thanks for training to be an extrovert. This is a great article. I don’t think a sincere compliment is one that will make someone feel creepy. When a compliment is sincere, you feel the sincerity behind it. It is fake compliments that can be felt as creepy. If you look, you can always find something to compliment someone on. You never know when someone was feeling really low and something that you said inspired them to feel better, do better or be better. Have a glorious day.
September 25th, 2007 at 4:44 am
here are some funny ones…
hey, you must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got ‘fine’ writen all over you.
if we were in the alphabet, i’d put U and I together
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Do you think its possible that the person who gives many compliments could also have a lower self-esteem? I’m imagining a man just praising a lady and giving up anything for her.
I compliment others often, because I feel that society is quick to notice others’ mistakes and bad attributes rather than the positive. People do not compliment others enough either and many do not realize that genuine compliments is a more effective reinforcer for influencing behavior.
But I’m not sure if the more you recognize good things about others, the more you recognize good things about yourself. I find that the more I compliment others, other time, I slowly have a higher negative perception of myself in relation to others.
October 27th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Hi Jesse,
I think what you described in the first paragraph is known as ‘ass-kissing’ instead of giving a sincere compliment
How does giving more compliments lower your self-esteem? What’s the limiting belief that’s causing you to say that?
January 8th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Pretty funny we have guys posting complaining how hard it is to give a compliment, and girls posting that they have to do it in a certain way and have certain qualifications (Jen).
Nice article Alvin, don’t you wish you could get people to listen though?
February 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I am very inspired by what you have written, I am actually working on a presentation for my Human Relations class. The chapter that i am presenting on is about how you can give compliments to people and change the success of their goal, by just boosting their self-esteem by one simple compliment. So you have just given me more of a look at what another opinion thinks about giving a compliment. Thnx Lyndsey
February 19th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Hi Lyndsey,
Thanks! I’m glad you found my post of value
Hey John,
Well, I think giving a compliment is much easier than a lot of people seem to think haha
June 19th, 2008 at 3:39 am
I find compliments by coworkers and strangers to be offensive. Notice that the author says that giving compliments elevates YOU. YOU are giving your very important stamp of approval to someone else. The game is designed for the person giving these compliments not for the person receiving them. It demeans the receiver on a subconscious level.
I work with people that compliment every blouse you buy and every hair cut you get. They are rude to presume that their approval is necessary or important. I would never insult someone by telling them I approve of their clothing.
Notice that the author points out that compliments are a “skill” and they have an objective. The truth is… most of us know the game and find the compliment wielding posture offensive.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Sara,
I don’t know the people you work with, so take my comment with a grain of salt.
I am very surprised that someone would find any compliment by her colleagues and even strangers offensive. Why would a compliment even from you to offensive to anyone?
The truth is…that perhaps finding a nice observation about yourself, which is what a sincere compliment is, might be more of a reflection on yourself than on the people giving it.
Is it that difficult to accept a free gift in the spirit it is given?
June 26th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Alvin,
I think the key word here is “sincere”. The majority of compliments are not sincere. They are a social strategy or a social obligation. Compliments are a tool and people actually study how to use them effectively in business and social interactions. There is nothing “sincere” about that. Sincere compliments are rare. Since you are describing how to use compliments well you obviously understand the game.
I have no problem with sincere compliments from people that know me well enough to make a legitimate observation. The compliment ‘game’ is insulting to me however.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I think I know where you’re coming from, Sarah. It’s true that compliments can be used as a communications tool to get something out of someone – playing the game, as you put it.
But there are also those who are clumsy at it, or sincere (as you mention). I’m talking about the sincere use of compliments for people who may be presently clumsy at it.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Alvin your a good person!
…i really appreciate you for creating this site! thats my compliment to you 
keep up the good work
January 8th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I so appreciate this blog as well as the comments that have followed. A well delivered and sincere compliment can not only make someones day, but can deliver the same warm feeling every time the receiver thinks about it. Not only that, but it actually increases the seratonin in the body of both the giver and receiver. This is a real win-win.
It’s so important that we take the time to notice the good in those around us and to pass along the good thoughts and warm feelings. It may seem small, but it can make a big difference in someone’s day.
January 24th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I truly found this topic beneficial and fascinating!!.
I don’t recall reading lots of topics regarding this matter..
I bookmarked this wonderful website!
February 14th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Everyone enjoys receiving compliments because it builds our spirit and confidence. Oddly, not many people make it a habit to give compliments when the appropriate situation presents itself. You will find that giving someone a compliment also brings great joy to you. You will know that you have provided a positive to someone’s day or maybe even turned their entire day around. It may feel uncomfortable at first but the more frequently you give compliments the less odd it will feel. You will begin to recognize the best times to give a compliment to get the maximum benefit to all parties. Remember, a compliment must be sincere, do NOT stretch to compliment someone if they have not earned it or you do not genuinely believe they deserve it. People know when others are being fake.
What you will find is that by giving more compliments you will begin to receive more yourself. On particularly stressful days, make every attempt to provide as many people a compliment as you can. You will witness the proof that giving compliments can also turn your own day around.
February 24th, 2009 at 7:38 am
I’m 13 almost 14 and I want to give this girl I like compliments so….how do I give the compliment…..she’s also 13
February 24th, 2009 at 7:41 am
oh yea she’s into the fashion stuff and extremlly beautifal
March 16th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Nice article Alvin…I look forward to applying this in my life. You really seem like a genuinely good person. Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Hey! Thought I would give you a compliment about this post!!
Spot on! and 100% accurate. Great work. And it is amazing how a little compliment can go such a long way! Thanks for writing this post! keep up the great work
July 9th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I dish out quite a few compliments… However, never do I compliment just for the sake of complimenting. I find beauty in many things… I cannot help it if I love almost everyone’s shoes, or hair, or anything else really.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:01 am
The fact that so many people actually need somebody to tell them how to give a good compliment makes me very, very uncomfortable. In fact, this entire post does. Shame on you, parents.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Practice complimenting yourself, feeling good about yourself will allow you to be happier!
November 4th, 2009 at 7:53 am
thanx 4 da help coz it helped me in health class.
yooh da best coach!
p.s. i got a very good grade coz of yewh and uhh yawh. -sheena.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:55 am
LOL i lhube youuu quinten<3
January 28th, 2010 at 11:12 am
What an idiotic blog! (How’s that for a compliment?)Any moron knows that what you wrote ain’t a compliment. If you butter someone up about their jewelry then follow with “where did you get it” she knows damn well that you didn’t mean a word: all you want is to know how to get your hands on one!
February 8th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
When my now 14-year old daughter was about 4 years old, she would always compliment cashiers. I started to think she only did it to get a “surprise” (usually stickers or a balloon). So, I looked at her one day & asked, “Stryker, are you complimenting people just to get prizes?” She looked up at me and answered seriously, “Yes, but I do always find something I like. When I can’t find anything, I tell them I like their smile because everyone has a pretty smile.”
Wisdom from a little one.