Are You Fighting Yourself?
Are you fighting yourself?
After talking to him for a few minutes, I knew that he’d be difficult to coach. While he didn’t realize it consciously, at some level he didn’t really want to change. Maybe he felt it would be too much work, maybe he was afraid of the unknown…maybe he was afraid of actually succeeding.
How did I know?
After having successes and failures with helping people make shifts in their lives, I began to see the patterns between people who changed more readily versus those who didn’t.
Those who change more easily have inner congruence; they have their inner selves aligned in ways that help them make the shift. Those that don’t have inner congruence find it difficult; no matter how much they think they want to change, a part of them doesn’t. They sabotage themselves by taking one step forward and two steps back.
What Are The Signs of Self-Sabotage?
How do you know when someone’s spending too much energy fighting themselves?
1) When they love their problems too much.
When you hear someone talk endlessly about their problems, especially in dramatic and sometimes even boastful ways; watch out! They may say they want to change, but they’re still enjoying the secondary gain they get from having this problem; it could be anything from having an excuse to get off the hook to getting attention.
2) When they argue exactly why suggestions to change won’t work.
Instead of wanting to listen and test new solutions out, they shoot down any suggestions with reasons why they might work for others but not for them. They only say they want to change when they’re obviously fighting it, that’s because they really want things to remain the same.
3) When they focus too much on negative causes and effects than positive intentions and outcomes.
Instead of having their eyes forward to create what they want in the future, they want to go further and further back into the past and dig out root causes of all their problems. The more obsessed this person is with finding out exactly why they’re messed up, the less energy they have to discover just how much better they can be.
How To Turn Self-Sabotage Into Self-Empowerment
If you’ve been self-sabotaging yourself or know someone who is, here is how you can turn self-sabotage into self-encouragement.
1) Fall in love with your strengths.
Everyone has strengths, whether you see it or not. You could stare at a 50kg dumb-bell all day long moaning about how you couldn’t possibly carry it, even explore with a sympathetic person the past origins of why you couldn’t. Or you could start exercising your present strength with a 5kg dumb-bell, knowing that if you keep focusing on working out, one day you’ll be pushing 50 and beyond.
2) Be willing to test out new solutions..
If you want to change, be willing to do new things you’ve never done before…that’s what change means, doesn’t it?
3) Focus on what you want to happen in the future.
We live in the present and can only go into the future. Milton Erickson once said, ‘insight into the past may be somewhat educational. But insight into the past isn’t going to change the past’. Decide to focus more on solutions versus problems. Look forward and answer the question, ‘if you could have the future anyway you wanted it, how would you want it to be?’
Here’s The Guiding Key To Shifting Self-Sabotage
After reading this article, you might recognize someone you know, or times in the past you’ve had moments of self-sabotage. Realize that even those times are now over, and you are bigger than thoughts and reactions you might once have had.
To key is, in the words of Robert Dilts, to shift people from learned hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness to have hope for the future, a sense of capability and responsibility, and a sense of self-worth and belonging.
Written by Alvin Soon on January 29th, 2007 under Personal Development.
23 Comments
Senia.com - Positive Psychology Blog Says
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January 30 2007, 8:34 am
Great post, Alvin!
Dave Says
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January 30 2007, 1:27 pm
Great article Alvin. Boy that rut can get deep can’t it. Getting locked in our story is like when you drive off the road and the wheel gets stuck in the rut off the shoulder. It digs deeper and deeper. I like the strategies here for popping out of it.
It is hard sometimes, but this helps identify the hidden payoff for staying stucknd replacing them with what you suggest. Thanks!
LifeDev » Fall In Love With Your Strengths Says
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January 31 2007, 5:29 am
[…] Oddly enough, sometimes our biggest antagonist can be ourselves when trying to succeed. Alvin Soon has a great post on how to a) recognize signs of self-sabotage and b) how to overcome it. It’s great stuff. […]
Nicholas Ong Says
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February 1 2007, 8:03 pm
Hey, this is a great post!
I believe most people including me will feel the symptoms at times in their life. The important thing is, recognize these symptoms and get out of it.
Thanks Alvin, for bringing this to our awareness. 
BurstCreativity: Personal Development Blog, Innovation training, Creativity and Self Help community » Personal Development Burst 2nd edition Says
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February 3 2007, 10:36 pm
[…] Alvin Soon presents Are You Fighting Yourself? posted at Life Coaches Blog. […]
Alvin Soon Says
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February 4 2007, 2:58 am
Thanks Nick, thanks Dave!
I’m always happy when something I write is of value to someone else 
The Personal Development Carnival - February 4, 2007 - from Creating a Better Life Says
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February 4 2007, 7:15 pm
[…] Alvin Soon presents Are You Fighting Yourself? posted at Life Coaches Blog. […]
Towards Better Life Carnival Edition #5 (February 4, 2007) « Towards Better Life Says
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February 4 2007, 11:53 pm
[…] Alvin Soon presents Are You Fighting Yourself? posted at Life Coaches Blog. […]
Karen Lynch Says
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February 6 2007, 7:48 am
The definitions of our lives lies in the story we tell. This is a great article. I think we all are guilty of self-sabotage at times.
The First Self Improvement Carnival Says
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February 8 2007, 3:04 pm
[…] Alvin Soon presents Are You Fighting Yourself? posted at Life Coaches Blog. […]
Today is that Day » Blog Archive » Self Improvement and Law of Attraction Link Love, Volume 1 Says
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February 9 2007, 10:19 am
[…] 4) Life Coaches Blog - Are You Fighting Yourself? […]
Goal Setting College Says
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February 11 2007, 11:27 am
I totally agree with “2) When they argue exactly why suggestions to change won’t work”. I’ve noticed that the harder I try to bring my friends to a better understanding of their issues, the harder they will defend. At the end of the day, it’s how much they would take the effort to seek that internal awakening. And yes, it’s also important not to get affected by their negativity too! Thanks for the tips.
Ellesse
Verve Coaching:: Life, Growth and Leadership, Boston MA » Archives » Carnival of Powerful Living - February 19, 2007 Says
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February 20 2007, 5:22 am
[…] Alvin Soon presents Are You Fighting Yourself? posted at Life Coaches Blog. […]
elona Says
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March 2 2007, 9:43 pm
Alvin, thanks for writing this post. I’m going to develop a lesson around it for my at-risk kids.
Ralph Charlton Says
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March 8 2007, 2:07 pm
Excellent article for those who are fighting with themselves.After having successes and failures with helping people make shifts in their lives, I began to see the patterns between people who changed more readily versus those who didn’t.To view the extension for this click on knife
fighting
Danny Says
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May 10 2007, 2:06 am
for 3 sign of Self-Sabotage, What I did to face these problems, is to focus on the result of what I want in the future. I don’t want to deal or take care of a small problem. So it means if sometimes i failed with my method, just for it. Just continue my effort to get the result or try new method.
Lola Says
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May 15 2007, 6:37 pm
Fabulous post, love it! As a recovering self-saboteur it’s good to see a comprehensive yet succint post about it.
Thanks 
Alvin Soon Says
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May 15 2007, 11:20 pm
You’re welcome Lola! I’m glad you find my post useful
How I Raise My Vibration Says
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June 11 2007, 5:48 pm
[…] Are you fighting yourself at Life Coaches blog […]
Lola Says
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June 11 2007, 6:32 pm
Hey
You’ve been tagged to play the High Vibes game, click for more info.
Love, light and abundance x x x
Anders Says
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June 30 2007, 1:45 am
Speaking about future, I think that self-sabotaging tendencies in a person arise when his or her attention is too much focused on the past, even if it’s positive. When we look into the past, we turn our back on the future and sometimes totally neglect it, which only makes matters worse. They say, the future will be soon a thing of the past. That must be a painful feeling when you force yourself to look into future and discover that your future has already become your past.
Angelived» Blog Archive » 你正在和自己斗争吗？ Says
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October 25 2007, 10:37 pm
[…] 原文地址：Are You Fighting Yourself? 译文地址：你在和自己斗争吗？ […]
世上僅有一個我 » 你正在和自己斗争吗？ Says
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April 7 2008, 3:17 pm
[…] 原文地址：Are You Fighting Yourself? […]
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