Are you fighting yourself?
After talking to him for a few minutes, I knew that he’d be difficult to coach. While he didn’t realize it consciously, at some level he didn’t really want to change. Maybe he felt it would be too much work, maybe he was afraid of the unknown…maybe he was afraid of actually succeeding.
How did I know?
After having successes and failures with helping people make shifts in their lives, I began to see the patterns between people who changed more readily versus those who didn’t.
Those who change more easily have inner congruence; they have their inner selves aligned in ways that help them make the shift. Those that don’t have inner congruence find it difficult; no matter how much they think they want to change, a part of them doesn’t. They sabotage themselves by taking one step forward and two steps back.
What Are The Signs of Self-Sabotage?
How do you know when someone’s spending too much energy fighting themselves?
1) When they love their problems too much.
When you hear someone talk endlessly about their problems, especially in dramatic and sometimes even boastful ways; watch out! They may say they want to change, but they’re still enjoying the secondary gain they get from having this problem; it could be anything from having an excuse to get off the hook to getting attention.
2) When they argue exactly why suggestions to change won’t work.
Instead of wanting to listen and test new solutions out, they shoot down any suggestions with reasons why they might work for others but not for them. They only say they want to change when they’re obviously fighting it, that’s because they really want things to remain the same.
3) When they focus too much on negative causes and effects than positive intentions and outcomes.
Instead of having their eyes forward to create what they want in the future, they want to go further and further back into the past and dig out root causes of all their problems. The more obsessed this person is with finding out exactly why they’re messed up, the less energy they have to discover just how much better they can be.
How To Turn Self-Sabotage Into Self-Empowerment
If you’ve been self-sabotaging yourself or know someone who is, here is how you can turn self-sabotage into self-encouragement.
1) Fall in love with your strengths.
Everyone has strengths, whether you see it or not. You could stare at a 50kg dumb-bell all day long moaning about how you couldn’t possibly carry it, even explore with a sympathetic person the past origins of why you couldn’t. Or you could start exercising your present strength with a 5kg dumb-bell, knowing that if you keep focusing on working out, one day you’ll be pushing 50 and beyond.
2) Be willing to test out new solutions..
If you want to change, be willing to do new things you’ve never done before…that’s what change means, doesn’t it?
3) Focus on what you want to happen in the future.
We live in the present and can only go into the future. Milton Erickson once said, ‘insight into the past may be somewhat educational. But insight into the past isn’t going to change the past’. Decide to focus more on solutions versus problems. Look forward and answer the question, ‘if you could have the future anyway you wanted it, how would you want it to be?’
Here’s The Guiding Key To Shifting Self-Sabotage
After reading this article, you might recognize someone you know, or times in the past you’ve had moments of self-sabotage. Realize that even those times are now over, and you are bigger than thoughts and reactions you might once have had.
To key is, in the words of Robert Dilts, to shift people from learned hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness to have hope for the future, a sense of capability and responsibility, and a sense of self-worth and belonging.
January 30th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Great post, Alvin!
January 30th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Great article Alvin. Boy that rut can get deep can’t it. Getting locked in our story is like when you drive off the road and the wheel gets stuck in the rut off the shoulder. It digs deeper and deeper. I like the strategies here for popping out of it.
It is hard sometimes, but this helps identify the hidden payoff for staying stucknd replacing them with what you suggest. Thanks!
February 1st, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Hey, this is a great post!
I believe most people including me will feel the symptoms at times in their life. The important thing is, recognize these symptoms and get out of it.
Thanks Alvin, for bringing this to our awareness.
February 4th, 2007 at 2:58 am
Thanks Nick, thanks Dave!
I’m always happy when something I write is of value to someone else
February 6th, 2007 at 7:48 am
The definitions of our lives lies in the story we tell. This is a great article. I think we all are guilty of self-sabotage at times.
February 11th, 2007 at 11:27 am
I totally agree with “2) When they argue exactly why suggestions to change won’t work”. I’ve noticed that the harder I try to bring my friends to a better understanding of their issues, the harder they will defend. At the end of the day, it’s how much they would take the effort to seek that internal awakening. And yes, it’s also important not to get affected by their negativity too! Thanks for the tips.
Ellesse
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Alvin, thanks for writing this post. I’m going to develop a lesson around it for my at-risk kids.
March 8th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Excellent article for those who are fighting with themselves.After having successes and failures with helping people make shifts in their lives, I began to see the patterns between people who changed more readily versus those who didn’t.To view the extension for this click on knife
fighting
May 10th, 2007 at 2:06 am
for 3 sign of Self-Sabotage, What I did to face these problems, is to focus on the result of what I want in the future. I don’t want to deal or take care of a small problem. So it means if sometimes i failed with my method, just for it. Just continue my effort to get the result or try new method.
May 15th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Fabulous post, love it! As a recovering self-saboteur it’s good to see a comprehensive yet succint post about it.
Thanks
May 15th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
You’re welcome Lola! I’m glad you find my post useful
June 11th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Hey
You’ve been tagged to play the High Vibes game, click for more info.
Love, light and abundance x x x
June 30th, 2007 at 1:45 am
Speaking about future, I think that self-sabotaging tendencies in a person arise when his or her attention is too much focused on the past, even if it’s positive. When we look into the past, we turn our back on the future and sometimes totally neglect it, which only makes matters worse. They say, the future will be soon a thing of the past. That must be a painful feeling when you force yourself to look into future and discover that your future has already become your past.
July 11th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Hi, you’ve provided ways to turn self-sabotage into self-empowerment, but do you have more fundamental tips on achieving inner congruence? Meditation? Thank you so much for your time Alvin.