Methods of Successful Influence
How did I shift the beliefs of a woman with a death wish into one so excited about living she took up salsa lessons? How did I persuade a man who had been carrying the burden of guilt for over 40 years that it was time to forgive himself? How did I use the power of words to propel my coaching success to become the fastest promoted senior coach in the history of one of the largest training companies in Singapore?
In the Secrets of Changing Minds series I reveal step by step the key communication tips & strategies from NLP and indirect hypnosis you can use to change minds and transform beliefs.
What To Do When All My Smarty-Pants NLP Tricks Failed
It’s what you must have from the start and it’s what pulls you through until the end. It’s the simplest key and also the hardest of all. The most important key to changing someone’s mind is just to care.
Not as sexy as giving hypnotic commands, but true.
I rose fast through the ranks of the Akltg coaches, becoming the faster coach ever to be ranked senior coach in the Patterns of Excellence programs. I was a little snotty as I became an NLP elite; I knew more about NLP than most of the coaches and I knew it.
But being the snotty NLP encyclopedia I noticed coaches that didn’t have my gigantic (awe-inspiring really) arsenal of NLP tricks up their sleeves…who still got wonderful results with their participants. What was going on?
I wondered over that for a while, until I gradually came to understand it: those coaches cared. And that caring, more than any coaching technique, was the key ingredient in helping their participants make changes happen.
People are smarter than we give them credit for. We may not always notice it but there’s an inner intuition that lets you know when someone is ‘right’ or when someone is ‘wrong’, you know when someone is acting with your interests at heart or not.
In all my experiences of coaching children, teenagers and adults it’s always been the same: if you can’t come from a position of caring you can’t affect change. If someone senses you’re coming for you more than for them, they’re going to switch off.
When you want to change someone’s mind, change it for them, not just for you. You’ll feel better for it, and you’ll succeed more often.
October 5th, 2006 at 2:06 am
“In between being right and being caring, I CHOOSE to be caring.”
It doesn’t seem to long ago when you shared this with me over supper at the usual place.
NLP is just a tool…in many instances, coming as a form of technique. We all agree that it’s the ATTITUDE behind the techniques that makes the applications work.
Good post Alvin! Right off the time when we just finished a run of POE.
Putting empathy in the foreground and holding the highest positive regards for the people we are working with does help.
Gee…I wonder if I am becoming a snotty NLP encyclopedia?
October 5th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
What do you mean becoming one? I thought you already are Uncle Pete! Haha.. ok let’s remove that non-empowering word ’snotty’ ya. You are too generous with your sharing to be one snotty fella…
I love this post Alvin. Cos it is so congruent with what I always believed in. The techniques help us to speed things up at times, but the core is still the heart. And yes, people will be able to feel it if you come across as sincerely for them, or for ourselves.
That’s the same advice I gave to whoever who asked me how to go after the girl of their dreams. Sincerity is the golden key to all hearts.
October 5th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
This post is just so awesome … I have been thinking about this issue recently too … And I know Pete mentions this occassionally, but we need to talk about this more and more!
I have a just a little coaching experience at PoE, but I have noticed a huge difference in the coaches ever since a year ago when I started my NLP journey.
– I remember having coaching groups where all we did was bitch about different participants, and the energy seemed so low. I now realize, that that group lacked the empathy and care required to touch their hearts …
– I remember being in a coaching group where we were all framed up to just assume … that having the positive intent was the most natural thing we could’ve done … and that group turned out to be so positive, so helpful and so effective
– And I clearly remember … Pete & Stuart changing the focus of the coach trainings … from lots of NLP awareness exercises in the past … to just being able to perform the coaching with a great intent and helping our participants.
And I wish everyone could just follow the simple principles of “caring” and “patience” to help the people around them. But of course, the junkie inside all of us will always look for the latest secrets & techniques of influence …
Just come back to the basics after that, ok? I know I will keep coming back to revise these principles every time I need guidance.
October 6th, 2006 at 7:16 am
All that’ve been said so far, this post captures the essence and core of how a facilitating coach playing the role of a ‘bastard’ in a program like Patterns of Excellence (POE) like me can align my best intentions for the participants even while using a very provocative and in-your-face approach:
I care enough such that I can be angry and shouting and challenging…not AT the participants but FOR them.
Alvin is right when he mentioned that we all have a bullshit-detector and are able to intuitively discern whether we are on the receiving end of congruent and genuine best intentions.
Kloudiia, I always believe that I can internalise stuff better when I can teach someone do the same. Also, the Pygmalion Effect of expecting the coaches to be of higher standards is paying off more than I realised. So I guess if the guys started with a great and empowering intention of winning the hearts of the ladies and keep the thoughts of getting laid behind…they stand a higher chance!
Rachit…and again and again and again. Junkies to the core…so what? Let’s just leave the unenlightened junkies’ behinds behind the effective ones…that’s right! Left them to the front? Whatever!!
October 6th, 2006 at 9:03 am
Wow! I didn’t expect this post to inspire so much discussion. Thanks Pete for chipping in, you always leave delicious little nuggets of wisdom (and no, you’re not an NLP encyclopedia…there can be only one!
)
Rachit, I’m proud of your journey as a coach, from a newbie to a leading one. I like what you said about the intent being more important than the junkie, I’ve found that to be true as well and something I should practice more.
October 9th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
I remember doing a similar blog post on this a while back and you’re absolutely right that if you’re not in a frame of mind whereby you care about the individual and the results then you won’t be able to achieve the results that you desire.
Great post Alvin!
October 10th, 2006 at 6:42 pm
Thanks Amit! I’m glad you enjoyed it