Methods of Successful Influence
How did I shift the beliefs of a woman with a death wish into one so excited about living she took up salsa lessons? How did I persuade a man who had been carrying the burden of guilt for over 40 years that it was time to forgive himself? How did I use the power of words to propel my coaching success to become the fastest promoted senior coach in the history of one of the largest training companies in Singapore?
In the Secrets of Changing Minds series I reveal step by step the key communication tips & strategies from NLP and indirect hypnosis you can use to change minds and transform beliefs.
The People You Love Are From Another Planet
I hate to be the one to break this to you but, you know the people you love whom you think are speaking the same language as you are? They’re actually alien invaders from another planet!
Ok, so…maybe they aren’t alien invaders. But they might as well be speaking an alien language, and sometimes it’s even better to treat them that way. Why?
Think of a chair. Really, think of one. Did you think of the one I was? I was imagining the red, slightly worn one on wheels in my room. Fair bet it wasn’t the same. What about an apple? Red or green? Orange? The fruit or the color?
Ok, maybe specific objects would be a tough stretch. But it gets even stretchier when we start moving on to abstract ideas…love anyone? You think we’re thinking of the same thing? Really? Justice? Responsibility? Respect? Courage? Compassion?
We think it’s obvious that when we speak, we’re thinking of the same exact thing, and oftentimes, that’s when misunderstandings happen. And if you don’t understand what people mean, you don’t have a chance of changing their minds.
How To Really Understand Your Best Friends
We all know that everyone has a different map of the world; we all see the world differently and believe different things about life.
So the real question is; how do we navigate other people’s territories so that they become part of our maps?
Well, the answer is simple really, just ask.
Yup, just ask. Sorry for the lack of NLP/hypnosis fireworks.
But how many of us really do?
And more specifically, what do we ask for?
This is where NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) helps loads. You ask for what NLP calls an evidence procedure, things that you can see, hear, and touch.
How To Make Your Loved Ones Feel Loved The Way They Want To
For example, love is such an abstract word. Yet we all want to feel loved, don’t we? And isn’t it also true, that we all have different ideas of what feeling loved really means?
Ever had the experience of quarreling with a loved one, because you thought what you did was loving while she/he didn’t? I know I have.
So what you’d want to find out is how she knows that she’s loved, the way she believes it’s loving, not the way you think it is. There are 3 ways you can ask:
1) How do you know when you’re being loved? What do you see, hear or feel? Is it when someone brings you to see new sights? When she says in that special tone that she loves you? Or when he holds you close?
2) How do you know when someone is being loving? How do you know when someone is being loving to you? When he or she is doing what?
3) What must happen in order for you to feel loved? What must happen, not what you’d like to happen, that makes you feel loved? Must needs come before wants, and these are the first rules you must know to understand their definition of love. Must someone see you at least twice a week? Call you everyday? Give you surprises every once in a while?
You want to turn the noun ‘love’ (an inactive thing) into an action (lov-ing), and therefore something that can be seen, heard and felt.
Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
If you don’t know what someone means by ‘love’, it’s going to be hard to make that person feel loved in the long run by assumption. It’s the same for all the abstract ideas we have, of satisfaction, friendship, respect, responsbility and so on.
If you don’t know what someone means when she says ‘happiness’, you won’t be able to deliver, and only after understanding someone’s model of the world can you have a chance to change their minds.