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Empathy Before Solutions: Special Rant for NLP Practitioners

Tue, Apr 25, 2006

Interpersonal Communication

This is a special sidenote for NLP practitioners, but if you’re not one, keep out! Out I say!

Are you sure you’re one?

Still sure?

Ok :)

I want to say something especially for beginning NLP practitioners, a lot of whom I know are visiting from the Akltg programs which I help coach (hi guys!).

Way back in ‘97 when I first learnt the Meta Model (a method of asking the right questions to find out specific info) I was told a story about the early NLP pioneers.

They were taught the Meta Model and let loose to practice on the unsuspecting world, and like all good NLP practitioners they went at it fierociously. When they came back the next day however, they all came back with glum faces: “Nobody likes us anymore!”

They had become Meta Monsters!

The NLP Meta Model is an elegant and powerful communication tool, but a lot of NLPers (beginning and advanced!) make the horrifying mistake of using it as a unintentional interrogation tool!

The Meta Model must always be coupled with a sense of compassion and using it to build rapport, not break it. Used artfully, it can be a powerful tool to help you understand first before you seek to be understood. Used as it is out of the box, without any sense of context and flexibility, it’ll sabotage you before you even start.

Remember, the Meta Model was modeled after the brilliant work of Virginia Satir, and she used it in very caring and elegant ways to help build rapport, draw people out and effect change, not to grill them on how specificially they’re doing whatever.

This post was written by:

Alvin Soon - who has written 458 posts on Life Coaches Blog.

Alvin has been a personal development coach and is the founder of Life Coaches Blog. He now writes full-time and keeps a personal blog at 21 Dragons.

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6 Comments For This Post

  1. brenda Says:

    ha ha ha ! We do have quite a handful of Meta Monsters in our fraternity =p

  2. Alvin Says:

    Tee hee no comment :P

  3. Andreas Says:

    Totally agree. I learnt this in the Master Prac. In the Prac course, we learnt the Meta Model and I wondered why sometimes, “people” got upset with all my strange questioning. In the Master Prac, I was made to understood that we have to have a goal in mind for a conversation and that it is important to direct the questionning in accordance with that goal. It is also okay to let some generalisations, deletions and distortions slip. To maintain rapport when coaching clients is more important than questionning all the verbalities from a client.

    Okay – and don’t meta-model me here with all my own statements :)

  4. Alvin Says:

    Hey Andreas, what specially do you mean by me meta-modeling you, and how would you know that…

    Just kidding! :P

    Great to see another NLPer hanging around here. I’ve checked out your blog a bit, looks interesting plus the fact that you’ve been blogging way longer than we have! Will visit again :)

    Since you’re a fellow NLPer, I just might warn you…Milton Monsters have been spotted in the wild too, be careful, they like to hypnotise their prey with grammatically incorrect gibberish before boring the victim to death…watch out!

    :P

  5. Pete Says:

    Oh wow! Let’s not forget the Negation Spewers and Apposition Oppositers who won’t not collectively forget to remember to be unconsciously conscious of the organised chaos they create in other’s own mind when what they should not keep throwing away is the need to un-dis-establish rapport when the purpose is to not not communicate simply.

    And what are you not saying that I do not understand yet I might when I may…is just a couple of dazed away? Alvin…soon?

    Hey Andreas!! Care to pass along some business ideas since we are in neighbouring countries? How do you market your services?

  6. sumy Says:

    This was indeed a great piece of info shared… I still have one question… How well do you think that Meta Model can help in Corpoarte communication??

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