A recent online conversation (wink wink) has made me remember one of my pet peeves; how frustrating it can be to have a conversation online.
You ever had that? Someone leaves a message on a forum, on MSN, a blog comment, and you have no idea whether the person is kidding or serious, joking or insulting, playful or destructive.
It comes back to the basics. Words only form 7% or so of our communication, the rest is 38% tonality and 55% body language!
And this measly 7% still has to go through our personal filters of the world, and you wonder how anybody gets anything said and done.
We must be smarter than we think ;P
We all know this intuitively. That’s why most of us know that to talk about important things, it has to be face-to-face, or at least on the phone. There’s so much information you can read from just being with a person, seeing their gestures, their posture, the pitch of their voice, and so much you can miss without all that (93% of the communication!).
Imagine a hot date screaming at you at the top of their lungs; ‘You idiot!’ vs. your hot date whispering in a soft sultry voice ‘You idiot’. Same words, but different tonality (probably different body language too hmm) and thus; different communication.
By the way, that’s why I think we invented smileys, you know, the 
:/ ;P things. Why? Because they’re visual! And they add the missing visual elements from our words. Even a smiley like this >:( is different from this >;) Saying ‘You idiot’ is different from ‘You idiot ;)’.
And you know what? Personally I think women have a one-up on us on this. I mean, with all the girls I’ve known who could make the word ‘it’s ok’ mean so many different things at different times…eek! Guys, back me up on this willya? ;P
March 14th, 2006 at 12:42 am
It’s always the case isn’t it when it comes to using only 7% of the communication model over sms, email or msn. Misunderstanding, misreading the meaning and all these stuffs.
Again, if we know the other party well enough, I guess sometimes it helps to reduce the possibility of mis-interpretation too.
March 14th, 2006 at 5:24 am
I think you’re spot on, particularly in regards to emoticons. Email is notoriously misunderstood.
I have a theory that people interpret such written words by projecting their own personalities onto the text. For example, I tend to assume people are being genuinely insightful or possibly humorous, by default.
I rarely presume someone to be small-minded, illogical, or out and out hostile, unless they clearly demonstrate it. Shout outs to Han!
March 14th, 2006 at 11:49 am
Well, no matter how well you know the person, if there is an intention to mislead from one of the party, it’ll be a whole lot easier over emails, msn… etc. Much like emoticons, a tad primitive, but it works to a certain extend.
As for the girls part… haha! Totally agree dude! Using emails or some kind of Messenger, allows us to miscommunicate like girls. Emoticons GALORE!! Again, the meaning communicated could be the exact opposite depending on the intention. emoticons could be maliciously used to mislead, should make it a capital offense. haha. Or limit the usage to 1 emoticon per paragraph.
Nothing beats conversing in person.
March 14th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
Hey Hanthon, I was thinking from the opposite point of view, where we want to understand the person more, but yea, deceiving someone should be easier online cus you’re not giving out the subtle cues in your voice and body language that might let someone pick up you’re lying.
Haha I didn’t say girls miscommunicate…right, girls? ;P
March 14th, 2006 at 6:51 pm
Hmmm. I love using emoticons ! Especially the ‘hitting ones” the hit yz =p . limit to 1 per paragraph, erm I think one per line is tough enough for me already
March 14th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Ermmm… you were suggesting? haha, alright, I apologise to all the girls, it’s a generalisation, I shouldn’t have done that. heh. Couldn’t help it tho’.
Well, to understand a person better thro’ emoticons? It takes two hands to clap dude. Same thing with real life conversation. It takes two hands to communicate. Reading into people’s body and tonal language is I would say still not hundred percent. There are still ways to hide…
Why not write on how to get someone to open up he/herself for a proper conversation? instead of trying to second guess a person’s body language?
one per line? You’d bury me in emoticons Brenda! I dunno man… the emoticon invention thing… is SATANIC MAN!! It’s a conspiracy to take over the world. Every emoticon you use kills a baby. Kidding! Right, nothing against emoticons, just not a fan of it.
March 15th, 2006 at 12:11 am
Yoz Han Thon,
I am not suggesting anything la. Only meant to say how I feel. No apologies needed as we have our own filters. Erm, acually I usually use a few emoticons per line. Just thank God that you are not on my msn list. Poor Al n Yz have to put up with my nonsense =p
There are always ways to hide if the person has the intention to. That is why I said “Screw the map and the territory”
March 15th, 2006 at 11:11 am
Yoz Han Thon,
You might like to check out my post here about what is rapport:
http://lifecoachesblog.com/2005/12/22/what-is-rapport/
And the NLP belief that ‘the map is not the territory’ here:
http://lifecoachesblog.com/2005/12/15/your-map-is-in-my-territory/
Hmm, rapport building posts might be in the works…
Are you sure about the emoticons conspiracy?!!! WHEW luckily I disabled them on this blog, otherwise who knows what evil might have happened… ;P
March 15th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Whoa whoa whoa! Why has this spiralled into the use of emoticons? haha
Anyway, I’m a big fan of emoticons, cos sometimes 1 emoticon can sum up what I like to express, especially on feelings.
Words, on the other hand, although they only represent 7% of the total communication, it is still ever-so powerful because the right words used at the right time will have a marvellous effect. Or disastrous effect if used wrongly at the wrong time?
I have a draft on Words too. Looks like it’s time to revisit and complete my thoughts on Words ya
March 15th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Yup Kloudiia, that’s a very good point. Some people might read this and say ‘only 7%! Hmm I don’t have to bother that much anymore then!’ but we all know that’s not the point.
Rather, knowing that the window of communication is only 7%, yet using words so much of the time, makes us realize what a pleasure it can be to build our skill at refining the words we do use to maximise that 7%.
March 3rd, 2007 at 7:23 am
Although I see the reasoning behind the 7/38/55 breakdown of communication I think a large part of Body Language is habitual and tone gives a more current, streaming indication of emotion, intent and subcommunication over reading body language. I think if you spent more time learning to hear people you’d be better off than trying to read BL.
April 6th, 2007 at 2:21 am
The 7/38/55 Rule is derived from test done with long-time married people at home. In a business setting or when You don`t know the person You are talking to the words might be much more important, because You are in a less emotional setting.
Still I would agree that the non verbal part of a communication is underestimatet by most people.
Body Language Secret Revealed