I’m going to take a break today from The Hero’s Journey and talk about an short conversation I overhead at a cafe. Naughty of me to eavesdrop, I know, but…it was all for you guys! ;P This is what I heard:
Lady: Blah blah blah.
Man: Yes, I know, but blah blah blah.
Lady: Blah blah.
Man: But blah blah blah!
Lady: Blah blah…blah blah, blah!
Man: I agree but blah blah blah blah!
But But But!
I couldn’t help but imagine how frustrated the lady must have been! You see, whenever you use the word ‘but’ in the middle of a sentence, you cancel out whatever has been said before. So on the surface, while he sounds like he’s agreeing, unconsciously he’s disregarding whatever she’s saying, and they both know it. Even if it’s only at an unconscious level, it still manages to piss people off.
Test this out, what effect do these sentences have on you?
‘You’re a great guy, but…’
‘You’ve done really well so far in your work, but…’
‘I agree with you 100%, but…’
You feel it? And if you say it at the beginning, it’s an instant rapport breaker, because you’re immediately disagreeing with whatever the person said:
‘Yes, but…’
‘But but but…!’
And At The Same Time
One thing you can replace ‘buts’ with to build rapport is ‘and at the same time’. Imagine hearing these being spoken to you instead:
‘You’re a great guy, and at the same time…’
‘You’ve done really well so far in your work, and at the same time…’
‘I agree with you 100%, and at the same time…’
Feels differently, doesn’t it?
Even Though
And also ‘even though’.
‘You’re a great guy, even though…’
‘You’ve done really well so far in your work, even though…’
‘I agree with you 100%, even though…’
This allows you to keep a positive frame, and agree to disagree with respect without making the other person feel like he’s being attacked.
March 9th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
That’s a great observation! I hate hearing that too, but (
March 9th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
Whoops!
That’s a great observation! I hate hearing that too, but (I put an arrow in here, and it cut the comment off) just never put much thought into it.
This is a great article for salesmen as well. When you are talking to a customer it would be wise advice not to use “but” too often.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:53 am
Hi Danny!
You’re right, especially for salesmen who need to build rapport quick.
March 10th, 2006 at 3:01 am
But, but there will be instances when it’s useful to use “But”, isn’t it so?
Compare these 2 sentences:
“I’m very sleepy now, but I’ll still read your blog because it inspires me”
vs
“I’ll still read your blog even though I’m very sleepy now, because it inspires me”
See the difference in effect it has?
But, I totally agree with you in those contexts in your blog that it’s more detrimental than useful to use “But”!
March 10th, 2006 at 9:41 am
Yup, as long as you know the negating effect it has and use it to your advantage, it can definitely be useful