One of the quickest ways I’ve found to stop people when they go overdrive into victim mode with their complain stories is to just stop, and ask them in the midst of a ranting session; ‘So what are you doing about it?’
A bit harsh I know, but I only pull it out when there’s desperation involved: they’re desperate to change, in which case they’re committed to hear whatever it takes, or I’m desperate, because they don’t look like they’re going to stop whining :p
Inevitably, they always get this deer in the headlights look on their face, which goes ‘what you’re supposed to be sympathizing with me whatever happened to “oh you poor thing”‘ and after that moment, the more aware of them will let the light dawn on their faces and seriously consider my question. The more defensive will go off into another tangent of sob stories, about why what they haven’t been doing hasn’t worked.
So, if I have to, I’ll go; ’so what have you been doing that’s worked for you?’
(Astute readers, catching the focus on Solutions Focus?)
And then, moving on, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’
It’s a very quick method of moving from the past to the present then to the future (which is what really matters), and the re-focusing on solutions rather than the problems (which is what really really matters).
So, using this, what’s a challenge that you’re currently facing in your life?
1) What have you done about it that’s worked for you?
2) What are you doing about it?
3) What are you doing to do about it?
March 3rd, 2006 at 10:00 am
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March 3rd, 2006 at 10:24 am
Dear Alvin,
What if they don’t know what has worked for them? As they are not NLP trained?
Even not all NLP trained know what to do, not to say those not trained…
What’s your view?
March 3rd, 2006 at 10:38 am
Hi Li Nah!
The main purpose of asking what has worked for them is to help them realize that they have had times in the past when they’ve been resourceful. If not…
Well, one of the guiding principles of coaching is to help draw out answers, and not to give them.
If they don’t know what has worked, you could ask them what they think could work. Or what do they think might work in the future?
Or the almighty classical NLP question, ‘I know you don’t know right now, but what if you did? What would you say?’
Sometimes people do need other resources too, like talking to other people for advice or reading books for info. That could be quite possible too. So you could draw out answers that way by asking them how they could find out.
A whole bunch of questions, and sometimes the person they could ask first might be you
I hope this answers your question?
March 6th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
Alvin, Li Nah,
It’s the job of the coach to draw out the best in another person. Hence, the questions. But if there is someone who gets stuck, it basically is up to the coach to engage in the problem solving process.
To go meta to the situation and observe will enable you to ask the question: what is this person choosing right now, and is it useful? What resource, in this stuck state, is this person exhibiting right now.
Remember that everyone has resources even if they don’t know they are experiencing them – it’s a question of reframing.
Asking questions alone is not always enough. And Alvin, as a coach, you have to ask yourself the question – “if I turned the question inside-out, what would I get?” Heheh… food for thought.
If you don’t have a coach, you will need to learn how to self-coach. Most of the time, this is the primary reason behind a Skill Builder Group. Every person should have mentors that are freely accessible.
June 3rd, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Perfect pages… tnx