There’s a common misunderstanding that rapport is all about getting the other person to like you. While that is often a nice effect of having rapport, it is not the core of rapport at all.

What rapport is, is this:

Rapport means you demonstrate understanding of the other person’s model of the world.

It has nothing to do with the other person liking you (at first).

Haven’t you ever talked to a good friend about something dear to you and end up frustrated because they didn’t get it? They obviously still love you, so what’s up? At the same time, don’t you love it when you meet someone for the very first time and you just click, with her getting every single thing you say?

Milton Erickson, the father of modern hypnotherapy, has a more extreme example. Paraphrasing the story, he had a distraught client come in one day, telling Milton her life was over because she was fat, ugly and no-one in her right mind would ever love her (believing in this belief spiraled in on her, the day she came into Milton’s office she was disheveled, her hair was unkept, and she wore a glaring polka-dot dress).

Rather than making soothing noises about how that’s not true, Milton told her straight in the face how he agreed that she was fat and ugly, and not only that, he began to outline the unattractive things about herself that she had missed telling him.

Was Milton being a complete asshole?

Months later, when that girl made a complete turn-around, she had this to say about that first interview with Milton that started it all. She said that Milton was the only person in her life who ever really got what she was saying and because of that, she knew she could trust Milton’s judgement. And that was what got her listening to Milton, because he knew where she was coming from and therefore must know how to help her.

Milton was building rapport in an exquisitely flexible way.

Now, I’m telling you this story not to tell you to go out there, and agree with everyone who tells you they’re ugly that, yes, they are in fact hideous! It’s an extreme example, and Milton knew exactly what he was doing in the precise things he said to her to build rapport with her without attacking her self-esteem. That is itself another level of strategic communication which I won’t go into here.

But I wanted to impress upon you the big difference between understanding and being liked. Telling someone they are pig ugly does not make them like you. But Milton was demonstrating to her that he understood her model of the world, which is another name for her map of the territory mentioned in Your Map is in my Territory post, and therefore he knew what she was talking about.

Building understanding and demonstrating it is the essence of rapport, and being liked for it is the reward. And notice that it’s not only about saying you understand the other person’s model of the world, you demonstrate it. If someone tells you respect is when you’re punctual with them, and you say you get it but keep going late, that person is not going to believe you understand them.

‘But, Alvin, what if someone says something that I don’t agree with? Are you telling me to lie by agreeing with him?’

Nope, I’m not telling you to lie. I’m suggesting that you be willing enough to expand your model of the world to include theirs and see, hear and feel things from their position. Your Map is in my Territory remember? If you do that, does your own point of view disappear? No, it’s still there! And when you do choose to come back to your own point of view, you’ll have expanded and enriched your own model of the world with an additional viewpoint.

Here is a very important key I want to give you:

To build rapport you don’t have to like or agree to the other person’s model of the world, but you have to at least understand it.

Remember, if you cannot be more flexible in your model than the other person, than you can neither lead yourself or the other person into somewhere new.