Those of us from the Patterns of Excellence program already know how the power of words affect us, and how even a simple little word like ‘try’ affects our physical strength (not to mention mental and emotional!).
Without giving too much away to the non-Patterns of Excellence readers here, the wise Yoda explains it succintly in Star Wars Episode V:
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
But this post isn’t about ‘try’. This post is about another toxic word, or rather, a pair of toxic words. And they are the dreaded:
“If only…”
How many times have you heard:
“If only my parents were richer, I’d be…sigh.”
“If only I were better looking, I’d…sigh.”
“If only I had more time…sigh”
“If only I…blah blah blah…sigh”
And how many times have you spoken them?
I know I have, lots of times myself!
And whenever I have, I notice that I get into a victim state. “If only” tells your mind that things could be better but they’re not, and instead of doing that in a helpful way, it bemoans your poor stuck fate.
Get rid of it!
Well, what if you can’t (right now)?
Then, stick with it (for now)!
“Alvin has gone bonkers.”
No I haven’t! Hear me out…if you can’t get rid of the problem, let it go on…for the moment…and redirect it to flow to a situation. This is what I suggest (and hey it smacks of Pete’s ‘Get In Action‘ post, in which he says ‘The solution is in the problem’).
“If only my parents were richer, I’d have an easier time of it.”
“Hmmm.”
“Well, what could I do to make my parents richer?”
“Erm, by making myself richer?”
“What could I do to make myself richer?”
And you brainstorm how to make yourself richer.
Use the problem presented and turn it into a solution.
Test it out!
P.S. The above type of self-talk is best used silently in your own head while out in public.
P.P.S. One way to test it out is to observe when your friends or family use ‘If only’, and check their emotional state, whether it’s positive or not. And if it’s not, do them the favor of turning the ‘If only’ around!
November 17th, 2005 at 5:26 am
If only my parents are richer, I’d have an easier time.
Wow Alvin, you mean we are out of the CLUMSY meta-modeling (of non-enlightened NLPer) mode already?
“Richer than who?”
“Easier compared to what?”
“How is your parents being richer, make you choose to believe that you’d have an easier time?” (!!!)
We all know of people who’re still uncovering objections in that manner, don’t we?
How about saying:
“Most successful people are not born with a silver spoon in their mouth” (Change chunk size)
“How else can you have an easier time without asking that your parents are richer.” (probability frame)
“Are your children going to lament the same thing?” (apply-to-self)
“Hey they are making it easier for you to outshine them…you get all the glory” (context reframe)
“If I’m going to say that, how can you be tactful about responding to me?” (provocative therapy)
“If only what you say is true…..” (utilization)
“Awwww… where does it really hurt?” (threshold blowout)
“Does it mean that success is any less sweeter?” (change frame size)
“How are you Feeling better about it?” (mind-fucking)
“If only your aunt has balls, she’ll be your uncle!!” (petelogy)
November 17th, 2005 at 10:52 am
Haha Pete, this comment is chock full of so much good stuff you should write it up as a post
November 18th, 2005 at 12:12 am
P.S. The ‘if only what you say is true…’ is especially brilliant.